Why do you need to be in a "Giving Mood" to give back?

As I've stated in previous posts, I will be donating half of my commission (which is 30%) for each purchase, to the Toys for Tots foundation. That will be for this holiday season. And for some reason this still isn't inspiring people to help give a child a better Christmas! I guess maybe some people are too, cynical, or maybe they don't believe in the good in humanity anymore. This saddens me greatly. Because I am one of those genuine people who says what I mean, and means what I say. I don't bullshit people, I don't tell story's, and I don't tolerate bullshit. Apparently this is why I have so few friends! Which is actually fine by me because I prefer Quality friends, over a quantity of friends! Simply put, I want real, not fake. I respect others as I would want to be respected. And after all the crap I've been through in my life, from being molested as a baby, before I could even walk, by my birth parents, to being thrown in foster care, to being adopted, and beaten and then molested and raped by my adopted parents, to being thrown back into foster care, then having an ex try to sell me to some random guy on the street for money, to being beaten by an ex, having children young, and then most recently being attacked in my own vehicle by a man bent on hurting me or my children to get money, I'm still here people! I'm still standing strong, looking for the good in people. Hoping that I'm not the only one left. Through all this crap I've been through, I've never thought about suicide, or taking drugs, or any bullshit like that! I've earned a degree in Paralegal Studies, and one in Business Administration, and gained a lot of knowledge, as well as student loans, and still I'm here trying to do good in this world. But I'm finding that the good in people is hidden so deep they don't know how to bring it out anymore. They've been cynical, and doubtful so long, that they have forgotten how to believe in the good in others, they've forgotten how to look at someone without judging them by the clothes they wear, or what kind of car they drive. They see skin color as a barrier, instead of seeing a person. They see a person that could hurt them, instead of seeing the possibility of friendship. Now I'm wary of people. I learned a long time ago to trust my gut instinct. With all the crap I went through, I had to trust myself, and what I felt around people. If I got bad vibes, then I stayed away. Sometimes though, you just have to push through. But not everyone is willing to let go. To let go of their past so that they can begin to see their future clearly. And here I am talking about my past, because well, it's my past, it may have helped shape me into the person I am, but it in no way defines me, or my future. I help anyone I can. I see the good in people until they show me the bad, unless I get bad vibes. And you know what I'm talking about, that feeling of uneasiness you get when you are around a person, who doesn't care about anyone but themselves, who isn't in anything unless it solely benefits them, the person who does more harm then good in every situation, because they dont' care, the person who hurts people without a second thought, and then leaves them there after blaming them for what this person did. They are the people who leave you wondering what is this world coming to?!
So why did I tell you all this? Why did I divulge information about my past? Because one....it doesn't bother me to talk about it anymore. Granted I didn't go into detail, because well, if someone actually gave a shit, if they genuinely cared, they would have asked about my life. But the reality is no one cares. And giving freely of information of my past, can be "juicy gossip" for people, but the truth is I don't care if people talk about me. WHY? Because people talk about other people everyday. And that's a reality. They need to talk about someone else so that their problems can be avoided for a little while. And the second reason I talked a little about my past is because I want people to understand, that if I can go through all the crap I went through and still see good in people, still want to help others that need it, WHY CAN'T YOU??? Maybe you can, and maybe it's just that you don't want to help anyone. I don't know. But why wouldn't you? WHY wouldn't you help a child get a better Christmas? Maybe it's because you don't want to put any money in my pocket? Or maybe you find it better to just donate to Toys for Tots in person. But I don't think that's the reason. I'm challenging anyone who ACTUALLY reads this, to buy 1 candle, and wait for proof that I actually did donate a toy to the Toys for Tots Foundation! I will post pictures. I'm still holding onto the hope, the faith that there is still good people out there and that someone will be in a "giving mood" and actually take me up on my challenge. But the realist in me is trying to get me to doubt that there is any good left in humanity. Because why do you have to be in a "giving mood" to actually give? Why can't you just give for the sake of someone else? Why can't you just do it because they need it? Or because it will make another person smile? Before I post the link to my website, again I'll ask, if I can give just because I want to genuinely help, WHY CAN'T YOU???

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Book rewrite............... and Poetry Night

So here I am blogging.....instead of continuing to write my book. I've noticed lately I am lacking the inspiration I need to continue this paranormal book I am writing. I've become so discouraged that I am thinking of starting all over, and creating a whole other world instead of writing the story with characters on a damaged Earth. Seems like the ideas in my head aren't really co-existing with this damaged Earth I have pictured in my head. So maybe the best thing to do is to start over. I don't know.

While I ponder that, here's a story for you. lol

 I was talking with an acquaintance of mine about starting a poetry reading at the local coffee shop thing they have here in Baytown. It's called Cork Grinders. They have live music, and great coffee, and wine's and other delectables. I think it would be a good way for avid writers, fans of poetry, lovers of lyrics, to be able to express their emotions, views and opinions. Especially if they aren't musically talented.

And as I am thinking of this, I'm trying to envision a poetry reading atmosphere. It's not hard really. I'm a writer, I can invent all kinds of scenarios for books, real life shouldn't be that hard, right? Wrong. As I contemplate the type of things that would be needed to make the person at the mic comfortable, I am at a loss. I mean I know what would make me comfortable if I was at a mic, but then what is good for the goose isn't necessarily good for the gander. So I stumble with this. Which only makes me frustrated. I really despise being frustrated or upset. I try to remain calm in all situations, but I guess when it's personal, or means a lot to me it tends to bother me rather quickly. But maybe it's that way for everyone.

So since we are talking about poetry this blog, here is a little piece that I wrote that was published in a local newspaper in Nebraska, I thought about reading it if they ever do decide to have the poetry reading at Cork Grinders. Give me some feedback if you would! I'd appreciate it! And follow me for more poetry!

THE MASK

You crawled into my mind, 

and stayed there like a shadow, 

You slithered your way into my life, 

Making it seem like I chose you, 

funny how you could disguise yourself, 

when I have x-ray glasses, 

But they couldn't see through your facade, 

or hear the lies you carefully planted, 

The mask you wear has grown into your face, 

making it impossible for you to tell what is real, 

You walk around like the king of the world, 

Thinking that everyone is in the wrong, 

You can wear that crown of dirt and grime, 

Just so you can feel in control of my mind, 

You see visions bouncearound my head, 

Bold colors of red and the passions of purple, 

life full ofbrilliant greens and dull grey, 

you can see my heart but know not how to proceed, 

here are the directions to the destination you want to obtain, 

make a left at the corner of I don't think so, 

and then try going north on not on your life, 

then take the road that says get the hell outta here, 

Will I ever be this foolish again, 

as to think that love is a precious thing, 

between two people who try to be what they are not, 

to think that no matter what my circumstances are, 

that it can be allowed to enter into the doorway of another's life, 

While My mind has colors galore, 

My heart tends to be laying on the shore of where do I go now, 

waters of tomorrow are lapping at my feet, 

while I contemplate the life's lesson, my defeat, 

Crystallized skies and over powering moons, given time, 

will come to find no appreciation on this world, 

the creams and pinks and gorgeous purple hues, 

are blinding my heart and tearing up my life, 

I tried to help but all I can see is that, 

You let it eat up the love you had inside you, 

You let it take you and give you up to the rain of ice, 

Your heart has been shielded from the love that I gave, 

I watch, with silence on my lips and yelling in my soul, 

I listen, to the tattered voices and the screaming pain, 

I hear, all the whispers of the life going on around you, 

I feel, the seasons of the years gone by, 

I know, that no matter how hard you try, 

The mask you put on a long time ago, 

Won't give up its place, It won't give up your soul. 

Babysitting.

I started babysitting a 6 yr old girl this week. And was not at all shocked that she said everything she thought, was rude,  disrespectful, hyper (although the hyper part wasn't a bother), and complained about almost everything, and wasn't aware of it. It's not her fault, it's her parents. I can't judge, because every family raises their children differently. But I did inform her mother that while she is staying with me she will follow the rules of my house. Which includes being respectful of myself; by saying "yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "please" "Thank you" and "May I", and those around her, complaining less, not being wasteful of food, and not saying everything that came into her head. Her mother was happy to hear this. The look on her face told me that she was having a hard time controlling the situation with her daughter. I found out why yesterday. 
Her daughter was playing on my Xbox 360 with my son. She wasn't very good at the game, but she was having fun. Her mother came to pick her up and she looked very tired. She was ready to go, and repeatedly asked her daughter to get her things, to which her daughter replied, after this game.  I let this go on for about 20 minutes, watching the interaction between mother and daughter, hoping that the mother would be more firm with her daughter. The mother was actually telling her daughter that she "would" help her clean the house today, and then told her it was time to go, for about the 12th time. This brought me to my breaking point, as the daughter started to reply "after this game" yet again, I interrupted and told her in a very firm voice (of course I used my "mommy voice") "Your mother is ready to go, she is tired, and has worked hard today, I know you are having fun, but your mother says it's time to go, so do what she is asking, now, please".
Her mother gave me a "thank you so much" look, to which I just nodded. 

Now today I fixed lunch for all of them. My 7 yr old was still hungry, and I told him if he wanted more to eat then he would have to wait until I made more. And the little girl I am watching said to him,"You are still hungry? Then TELL her to make you more."
This had me laughing, I calmly told her,"No, they do not "Tell me" to do anything, they politely ASK me. I am the adult, I tell them what to do, not the other way around. They are the child, they do not run this house, the adults do." She looked at me shocked, and said "OH" I smiled at her, and she left it alone.  At that moment I felt kind of bad for her and her mother. They are going through a rough time at home, and things are getting out of hand. The mother is trying her hardest to control the situation, but she is exhausted. I can see it everyday. And the only thing I want to do is tell her that it's okay to cry. Because she looks like she could use a good cry. She is trying her best to be the mother and father, and it's not working well. So I do what I can with her daughter to help her behave better for her mother.
 I sat down with her today, and tried to tell her that the things she does with me, like using manners, and doing what is asked of her, if she used these things with her mom it would help her mom out and make her feel better about the things she does. It would make her smile. 

I'm not sure how much she actually listened to, probably not very much, but maybe by the time she goes back to school, the way we do things in my house will rub off on her a little bit! 

Who knows though!

Hijacking not the worst I've suffered in my life, & telling my story could be offensive.

There is a strong possibility that if I told my whole story, that there would be quite a few people that were offended by it. By the language used, by scenes of my childhood depicted. But there is also a chance that it may be able to help someone going through something similar, that they aren't alone. That it's possible to be "normal" after having endured such things. Abuse is abuse, no matter how you try and paint it in a different light, you still see abuse. No matter the setting, the person, or the situation, abuse is still abuse. There are different types of abuse, Verbal, physical, sexual, all which in turn cause emotional damage, and are forms of emotional abuse. I've suffered them all. And I am still alive, strong and able. I can tell my story and not worry about the few that may be offended, or I can sit back silently like I have for years, wondering if in fact I was to tell my whole story if I could have helped someone. It's a hard decision to share details of your life so intimate that they could ultimately destroy you, and maybe even those you love. And there are risks involved. Things that could be told that may hurt someone else, maybe even someone I love deeply or dearly, inadvertently. I find myself asking these questions. Am I willing to take the risks? Does my husband love me enough to endure the possibility of criticism that may come from telling my story? Would my children be embarrassed by the things that I have gone through being public knowledge? Would I be able to help even 1 person by telling my story? Would it be beneficial to the people who go through the same things, or similar things to know that they aren't alone? Do the benefits of helping, out way the risks to my family?
I think if I was alone, single without children, I wouldn't worry about the risks, because I would be taking them alone, like every bad thing that ever happened to me, I would deal with it alone. But now that I have 6 children, and a common law husband, so the risks have to be accessed. They have to be analyzed. They have to be weighed. It's a hard decision, to contemplate the outcome based on the few who may be hurt or embarrassed, with the benefit of possibly helping many who are suffering similar fates. Not a decision to be taken lightly. Something I will have to think with my mind, heart, and soul. Because it would be a life changing experience, for everyone involved.
~Dorothy Baker